The Wonders of Fall

Summer is over.  The days of drinking from coconuts, working on your base tan and going anywhere shirtless are at an end.  This doesn’t mean that you should be discouraged, however.  Fall is in full force and has much more to offer than meets the eye.  Yes, football season and, in turn, tailgating is upon us, but you can go almost anywhere to read about that.  I prefer to dig a little deeper.  Here are a few reasons why Fall does not suck.

1.  Flannel shirts – When I wear flannel shirts, I feel Paul Bunyan as f#$k.  My chest hair is more voluminous and my beard resembles that of Al Borland.  The genius who invented this staple of manhood should be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, not only for making me look like the President and CEO of Brawny Paper Towels, Inc, but for keeping me warm in the harsh Atlantan winters.  Seriously, give me an axe right now so that I can chop the shit out of something.

2. Oktoberfest, Deliverance style – Not the one you find in one of the greatest cities on Earth, Munich, Germany, but the lesser known, hillbilly version located in Helen, Georgia.  Here, you can drink pitchers of your favorite foreign brews while witnessing the human race stuck in reverse.  This town is known for its lone Huddle House and a museum devoted entirely to black bears.  While that fact alone warrants a trip, beginning in late September and continuing through November 1st the longest running Oktoberfest in the U.S. brings inebriated joy to thousands.  If you don’t know Helen, imagine a picturesque German city.  Now, imagine that the mayor of that city is this guy.

I gotta work some shit out...better crack open another one

3. Hollister jeans are back, and you get to laugh at all who wear them – They can’t sell their trademark cargo shorts until at least May.  During the colder months of the year, they are reduced to selling pieces of denim patched together that they like to call jeans.  I honestly think that they make your standard pair of jeans, toss them in a cage with a pissed off badger and let him tear that shit up.  Then they sell them to you.  Brilliant.

Wooing the ladies, one rip at a time

Have you ever been in a Hollister store?  I haven’t, but I pass one periodically at Lenox.  I imagine that it is like going to a party where everyone is jamming out to the latest All-American Rejects album and funneling Mikes Hard Lemonade, yet everyone there looks eerily similar to Zac Efron.  I feel generally creeped out, not because I’m obviously the only one there with a five o’clock shadow and that resembles Paul Blart: Mall Cop, but because I can’t understand why the place smells like someone set off a Davidoff Cool Water grenade.

4. Sweatpants are back  – I’m talking about the $5 pair you got in 3 different colors at Wal-Mart.  They have elastic around the ankles, are roughly 5 years old and make you feel like an absolute winner.  They don’t have a logo of any kind, like that pair you picked up at the GAP outlet that is “so super soft”, because when you wear these off brand marvels you make everyone around you believe they are Dolce & Gabbana.  People see you as a confident, maybe even a little cocky, because you know for a fact that in your sweatpants, you are better than them.   

5. The temperature is ideal – I can wear jeans out and not sweat like John Belushi on a 3-day bender.  I don’t have to come up with a witty excuse to explain to people why I am so f-ing sweaty.  Awesome.  Lighting stuff on fire is encouraged and I can wear the same pair of jeans 2 weeks at a time.  My boots come out of the closet and make me a dashing 6’1″.  Throw a flannel shirt into the equation and I can instantly throw a football a quarter mile. 

And finally,

6. Thanksgiving – The one day out of the year where gluttony is encouraged and loosening your pants a button or two is acceptible behavior.  Its the one day out of the year where we weigh ourselves before and after dinner, and the only day where being at least mildly overweight isn’t unseemly…its an advantage.

So go forth.  Embrace this Fall season and take full advantage of it.  Don’t let it take advantage of you…thats gross.


Bizarro Dracula

Since we are on the subject of Halloween, and I just saw 5 different commercials advertising it, I think that its time I let you all in on a little secret…

The current phenomenon of douchey vampires is absolutely ri-di-cu-lous.

For those of you who have read the “About Me”, you probably have already surmised as much…but I feel like I need to elaborate.  How many of you once thought that vampires were straight out of the darkest shadows of Hades…oh, everyone?  That’s what I thought.  I bet that some of you are as peeved as I am that these uber-sensitive Hollywood mushies have turned what used to be a legitimate member of the villain community into nothing more than pillow-fighting softie who would rather listen to your feelings than take a bite out of your jugular.

"Suck your blood? Heck no, I just want to cuddle"

Also, when did vampires become so damn emo.  What with their super v-neck tees and their skinny jeans…Count Dracula would eat these phonies for lunch.  I bet you won’t see the Twilight guys visiting Transylvania anytime soon.  They are most likely sitting in your neighborhood Starbucks enjoying a pumpkin spice latte.

Barista: “Oh, you want soy milk with that?”

Emo-vamp: “Yes please, regular milk makes my tummy hurt.”

With Count Dracula, your fear of him was two-fold.  There’s always the chance that you could eventually be turned into a vampire yourself, which these days means listening to depressing music and hating on the “establishment”.  On the other hand, if he were to transform into a bat, he would bite the sh*t out of you and ultimately force you to take a visit to the local doc for a round of rabies shots.  Once there, the doctor will tell you that you aren’t up to date on your Tetanus and Hepatitis shots and you’re due for your yearly colonoscopy.  Oh, also, you have high cholesterol and your blood pressure is through the roof.  Next thing you know, you’re $500 dollars deep in shots and prescriptions and wondering “all this from a bat bite?  Count Dracula takes his job seriously”  Ya, Dracula goes 100% all the time.

So, next time that you get excited about the upcoming “New Moon Saga” or John C. Reilly’s future vampire blockbuster, turn on the t.v., flip it over to PBS and check out a vampire who is true to the game.

Play on, playa

Thanks, but no thanks.

In preparation for Halloween this weekend, I feel that I need to address something thats been on my mind lately.  I was recently cruising down 85 when I passed the infamous Netherworld haunted house.  This place is known for being one of the scariest haunted houses in the entire country.  You’re more likely going to leave with wet pants and skidmarks than with the notion that you just had a “good time”.  Trust me, peeing your pants is in fact NOT cool.

Ever been to a haunted house?  I sure as hell haven’t and I most likely never will.  You may think that I’m scared, and maybe I am just a little, but I dare you to force me into one.  I will make your haunted house experience much worse, guaranteed.  I’m more than likely going to crack some skulls and drop some knowledge on the creeps  in these hell holes.  Don’t believe me?  Just take a look at this guy…

Gallum's pedophile cousin, Gary

Now try and tell me that you don’t want to drop some serious Macho Man Randy Savage flying elbows on Gary here.  If this guy were real, he would most likely be listed on the demon sex offender list for indecent exposure and lewd and lascivious behavior with a minotaur.  That’s 5 to 10 buddy, but Spawn here is just waiting to scare the bejesus out of you and laugh about it later.  Try to tell me that your instincts don’t tell you to swing for the fences when you come across him.  He will most likely be hiding the tree of infinite sorrows salivating over the thought of attacking his next victim.  Nope, jump out from around a corner in front of me and I’m gonna sock you straight in the face.  I may actually be doing you a favor.  Then, you walk around another corner and, oh hello…

Chewbacca has a serious Meth addiction

I’m sorry, but I’m literally going to leg sweep you and put you in a guillotine choke hold.  Nighty-night.  Maybe YOU can have a nightmare about me for once sucka.  Oh, and stop doing so much meth. 

Now,  I understand that these abominations are just actors in disguise, but it makes no difference to me.  It obviously didn’t make a difference to this guy either.  Imagine making it through to the end of this joint to only be met in the stairwell by Leatherface himself…chainsaw included.  You wanted to just get “one last scream” eh?  How about one last roundhouse kick to the temple.

So the next time you decide that you want to challenge your digestive system to a game of chance, by all means, visit one of the many haunted houses located throughout the city.  Don’t expect to find me there.  I’ll be at home with the wifey with a drink in hand watching “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown”, and loving every minute of it.