LOST: Filling You In

On February 2nd, the best television show to EVER grace the airwaves returns to ABC.  It seems like only yesterday that the screen faded to white on the Season 5 finale and we were all left wondering W…T…F.  With the first 5 seasons in the books, its hard to remember all of the significant moments leading up to this point.  Here is a video put together by ABC to fill you in on all the details you need to know before the Season 6 premiere.  Try to keep up.

Advertisements

Super Broker Shuffle

There have been many parodies of the Bears’ always popular “Super Bowl Shuffle” but this version is by far the best. 

We Wish You a Sketchy Christmas

So, if you’re like me, you think that clowns are by far some of the creepiest human beings on the planet.  If it were up to me, all clowns would have a personal meeting with the sexual harrassment panda before being allowed to “entertain” children.  That being said, check out this site to see what clowns do for a little extra cash during Christmas-time…they impersonate Santa.

http://www.sketchysantas.com/

Here are some of my favorites…the site is constantly updating with new pics so make sure to check back.  They get creepier and creepier:

Stumblin Round the World

Allow me to let you all in on a little secret…Disney World isn’t just for kids anymore.  Not by a longshot.  The majority of the attractions you’ll find at these amusement parks are geared towards thrill-seeking adults.  Don’t believe me?  How about you hit up the Men In Black ride with your significant other and show them how accurate you are with a laser.  Those aliens don’t stand a f*ckin chance.  If that isn’t your cup-o-tea, hop over to the Rockin Rollercoaster and get dizzy while Aerosmith’s greatest hits thump your eardrums.  Not intense enough?  For a truly life-or-death experience, head over to Mission:Space to do your best Neil Armstrong impression.  Someone has literally died on this ride…this is NOT the twirling tea cups.  Just make sure you join the Orange team, which is tabbed as the most “realistic” experience.  Aside from all of this, I want to explain to you the absolute best part about all of the Disney World parks…Epcot, and more importantly, the World Showcase at Epcot.  Here, you can travel the world in less than an hour all the while sampling the food and beverages typically found in the host country.  Prepare to drink yourself silly.  Below is a recanting of my most recent trip to Epcot.

First stop, Mexico.

You will be tempted to stay here as long as possible, but I warn you…make it quick.  We slug a couple margaritas and then chow down on a taco or two.  We grab some tasty churros to-go to hold us over while we trek to the next country.  Keep to the main trails in Mexico to avoid the recently added “Cuidad Juarez Experience”, complete with kidnapping and execution-style murder. 

Next upNorway.

F*ckin right.  I don’t remember much from this country other than really wanting a sword and to have a full grown beard thick enough to attract the foam from the top of my beer.  We grab whatever brew is on tap and get our viking on.  Pillaging is highly encouraged.

Onward to China.

Meh…We know that Japan is just around the corner and its like the same damn thing.  Also, way too many people and we have 2 girls in our group, which mean one of them may be sacrificed.  We grab a Tsingtao and continue on.

Next, Germany“Willkommen Deutschland!”

Finally…we’ve arrived.  Someone yells obscenities at me in German and it takes me back to the Summer of 2005.  We stop here and grab a few brats and numerous Franziskaner Hefe-Weissens and get schwilly.  I contemplate buying a pair of lederhosen and wearing them without a shirt.  It’s 90 degrees outside, so this seems extremely plausible…and awesome.  There’s no time, though, because we still have a number of countries to go.

Next up, Italy…we see someone dressed as Mussolini covered in fettucini alfredo, we decide to keep moving.

Then, America…seriously?  Do they honestly expect us to stop here?  Oh sweet, lets stop in for some freedom fries and a zima…no thanks.  The could have at least put Russia here, complete with a heavy dose of communism and a wicked beating administered by the KGB.  We hear Clay Aiken playing somewhere in the distance and are quickly moving on.

Japan

“Wait…didn’t we already pass this like 3 countries ago?  Did we get turned around somehow?  I think we’re lost…….wait, no we’re not.  There are some ninjas over there.  This must be Japan.  Ok, we’re on the right track.”  A few Kirins and we gone.

Morocco…Oh sweet, a desert castle.  Its not all genies and flying carpets in this hell hole.  Everything is dirty and the water tastes like a combination of seawater and doodoo.  We really were expecting to hear the Aladdin theme song, but we don’t see Peabo Bryson anywhere so we keep going.

France

France, huh?  We aren’t too sure of this place.  It smells funny, the women are hairy and we get the general feeling that no one likes us.  Trust me, the feeling is mutual Frenchie.  We run into the nearby wine shop and buy a nice bottle of red wine.  There is no beer anywhere.  We stick around long enough for a couple shots of Grey Goose and to sing the Star Spangled Banner at full throat.  Security starts to move in on us…segways at full speed.  We know better though.  The French are a bunch of artards.  We make it out unscathed.

UK

Now, this is what we’re talkin about.  A country with something to offer.  We settle down in the local pub with a few Guinnesses and some fish n’ chips.  Everyone is yelling and a celtic tune is playing in the background.  Things start to get a little hazy but we quickly decide that this country rocks.  This crowd has obviously been on the same journey as we have and quickly break out into a group sing-along.  My vocal chords are shot from screaming the Star Spangled Banner at the french, so we make our exit.

Canada

We stop and have a good laugh.  Not because we had just heard a funny joke, but because we’re in Canada.  Hahahaha…Canada.

I’m being completely serious when I say that the Epcot World tour is one of the most fun times I’ve had in quite a long time.  Once we made it around the world once, we decided to go back around and hit our favorite spots once again.  I mean, there is nothing like getting drunk in one of your favorite childhood vacation spots.  So next time you are thinking about going on vacation, I urge you to seriously consider Epcot.  One word of advice, though – do not attempt to ride any rides after this World Tour.  If you do, you run the risk of covering yourself and numerous children in a deadly mixture of margarita/taco/beer/fish vomit.  Disney World is truly the place where dreams come true.

Giving Thanks

Finally…Thanksgiving is here.  If you’re like me, you get a short day on Wednesday to prepare for what usually turns into a pretty weird night of drinking.  While Thursday is nothing but a multiple-nap, football watching glut-fest, it is also a time to give thanks and I want to spend the little free time I have right now to touch on that.  This year, I am thankful for being married to an amazing girl/my best friend, a great family, good health, a job and incredible friendships…but I am also thankful for a host of other things:

  • Chic-fil-a chicken biscuits
  • Degree deodorant
  • Staplers
  • Extra large hats
  • Canned goods with a pop-top lid
  • Jack Dalton
  • HOV lanes
  • Flannel
  • Maker’s Mark
  • HD
  • Mexican restaurants
  • Seasonal beer
  • Wayfarers
  • Men’s league softball
  • Saved By The Bell re-runs
  • Cheese grits

I really could go on and on about things that I am thankful for this year, but I feel like today’s entry wouldn’t be complete without me explaining a few things that I am, in fact, NOT thankful for. 

  • People who drive the speed limit
  • The New Moon Saga
  • Politics
  • Clowns
  • Kentucky Grilled Chicken
  • Visitor parking in apartment complexes
  • Fire drills – especially when you’re on the 23rd floor
  • The Swine flu vaccine
  • Made for tv movies
  • Poker on ESPN
  • U2 or Green Day
  • Joe Cox

I hope that everyone has a very Happy Thanksgiving. 

Imitation Shaun White

No, I don’t have fiery red hair and more freckles than Donald Trump has $1 bills, but plans have been made to visit the Mile High City, aka Denver, for the upcoming MLK Day in January for a long weekend of boarding the snow-covered Rocky Mountains.  Mrs. James, Mr. & Mrs. New Belgium Beer Ranger and myself will join the newest Denver resident still without his green card, my bro, TJ, for what should be quite the weekend.  Deciding that I needed as much time as possible to do so, I have started to mentally prepare myself for my first foray into winter-sportsdom.  While dreaming of making the bunny slopes my bitch, it dawned on me that there is a 99% chance that I am going to seriously injure myself…like a full blown, total body cast, movie type of injury.  I mean, the last time I was seriously shredding a snow-covered hill (more like a concrete behemoth), I ended up wrapping my body around the base of a rather sturdy metal mailbox while sledding down Thrill Hill…roughly 15 years ago.  How can I possibly pick this kind of thing up?  Lets think about what my body type is suited for and see if it can translate to snowboarding:

– Tackling people, lifting heavy objects, chopping wood, participating in eating contests, imitating The King of Queens’ Kevin James, making old wooden floors creaky, keeping warm without extra layers of clothing, playing a mall Santa and making the biggest splash in the pool.

Ya, not exactly what you would picture as the “ideal” snowboarder.  One advantage I have over my leaner peers, however, is extra cushion to make falling a little less painful.  Don’t get me wrong.  I’m absolutely pumped about this trip…I just can’t seem to stop thinking about the following things:

  • Falling while exiting the lift and have it knock me unconscious in the process
  • Annihilating a small child enjoying his/her first family ski trip
  • Losing control and fall down the hill faster than Chris Farley in Black Sheep
  • Grizzly Bears
  • Having to switch to skis and then getting made of fun because it’s just like rollerblading
  • Tearing both ACLs and having to ride an inner tube the rest of the trip

Maybe I’m just being a little cynical about this whole thing.  I’ll most likely be fine and I’m sure I’ll pick it up at some point during the trip.  Just psyching myself up for what should be an incredible weekend…and hoping I don’t do too much of this:

Who's the bitch now?