Stumblin Round the World

Allow me to let you all in on a little secret…Disney World isn’t just for kids anymore.  Not by a longshot.  The majority of the attractions you’ll find at these amusement parks are geared towards thrill-seeking adults.  Don’t believe me?  How about you hit up the Men In Black ride with your significant other and show them how accurate you are with a laser.  Those aliens don’t stand a f*ckin chance.  If that isn’t your cup-o-tea, hop over to the Rockin Rollercoaster and get dizzy while Aerosmith’s greatest hits thump your eardrums.  Not intense enough?  For a truly life-or-death experience, head over to Mission:Space to do your best Neil Armstrong impression.  Someone has literally died on this ride…this is NOT the twirling tea cups.  Just make sure you join the Orange team, which is tabbed as the most “realistic” experience.  Aside from all of this, I want to explain to you the absolute best part about all of the Disney World parks…Epcot, and more importantly, the World Showcase at Epcot.  Here, you can travel the world in less than an hour all the while sampling the food and beverages typically found in the host country.  Prepare to drink yourself silly.  Below is a recanting of my most recent trip to Epcot.

First stop, Mexico.

You will be tempted to stay here as long as possible, but I warn you…make it quick.  We slug a couple margaritas and then chow down on a taco or two.  We grab some tasty churros to-go to hold us over while we trek to the next country.  Keep to the main trails in Mexico to avoid the recently added “Cuidad Juarez Experience”, complete with kidnapping and execution-style murder. 

Next upNorway.

F*ckin right.  I don’t remember much from this country other than really wanting a sword and to have a full grown beard thick enough to attract the foam from the top of my beer.  We grab whatever brew is on tap and get our viking on.  Pillaging is highly encouraged.

Onward to China.

Meh…We know that Japan is just around the corner and its like the same damn thing.  Also, way too many people and we have 2 girls in our group, which mean one of them may be sacrificed.  We grab a Tsingtao and continue on.

Next, Germany“Willkommen Deutschland!”

Finally…we’ve arrived.  Someone yells obscenities at me in German and it takes me back to the Summer of 2005.  We stop here and grab a few brats and numerous Franziskaner Hefe-Weissens and get schwilly.  I contemplate buying a pair of lederhosen and wearing them without a shirt.  It’s 90 degrees outside, so this seems extremely plausible…and awesome.  There’s no time, though, because we still have a number of countries to go.

Next up, Italy…we see someone dressed as Mussolini covered in fettucini alfredo, we decide to keep moving.

Then, America…seriously?  Do they honestly expect us to stop here?  Oh sweet, lets stop in for some freedom fries and a zima…no thanks.  The could have at least put Russia here, complete with a heavy dose of communism and a wicked beating administered by the KGB.  We hear Clay Aiken playing somewhere in the distance and are quickly moving on.


“Wait…didn’t we already pass this like 3 countries ago?  Did we get turned around somehow?  I think we’re lost…….wait, no we’re not.  There are some ninjas over there.  This must be Japan.  Ok, we’re on the right track.”  A few Kirins and we gone.

Morocco…Oh sweet, a desert castle.  Its not all genies and flying carpets in this hell hole.  Everything is dirty and the water tastes like a combination of seawater and doodoo.  We really were expecting to hear the Aladdin theme song, but we don’t see Peabo Bryson anywhere so we keep going.


France, huh?  We aren’t too sure of this place.  It smells funny, the women are hairy and we get the general feeling that no one likes us.  Trust me, the feeling is mutual Frenchie.  We run into the nearby wine shop and buy a nice bottle of red wine.  There is no beer anywhere.  We stick around long enough for a couple shots of Grey Goose and to sing the Star Spangled Banner at full throat.  Security starts to move in on us…segways at full speed.  We know better though.  The French are a bunch of artards.  We make it out unscathed.


Now, this is what we’re talkin about.  A country with something to offer.  We settle down in the local pub with a few Guinnesses and some fish n’ chips.  Everyone is yelling and a celtic tune is playing in the background.  Things start to get a little hazy but we quickly decide that this country rocks.  This crowd has obviously been on the same journey as we have and quickly break out into a group sing-along.  My vocal chords are shot from screaming the Star Spangled Banner at the french, so we make our exit.


We stop and have a good laugh.  Not because we had just heard a funny joke, but because we’re in Canada.  Hahahaha…Canada.

I’m being completely serious when I say that the Epcot World tour is one of the most fun times I’ve had in quite a long time.  Once we made it around the world once, we decided to go back around and hit our favorite spots once again.  I mean, there is nothing like getting drunk in one of your favorite childhood vacation spots.  So next time you are thinking about going on vacation, I urge you to seriously consider Epcot.  One word of advice, though – do not attempt to ride any rides after this World Tour.  If you do, you run the risk of covering yourself and numerous children in a deadly mixture of margarita/taco/beer/fish vomit.  Disney World is truly the place where dreams come true.


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