Imitation Shaun White

No, I don’t have fiery red hair and more freckles than Donald Trump has $1 bills, but plans have been made to visit the Mile High City, aka Denver, for the upcoming MLK Day in January for a long weekend of boarding the snow-covered Rocky Mountains.  Mrs. James, Mr. & Mrs. New Belgium Beer Ranger and myself will join the newest Denver resident still without his green card, my bro, TJ, for what should be quite the weekend.  Deciding that I needed as much time as possible to do so, I have started to mentally prepare myself for my first foray into winter-sportsdom.  While dreaming of making the bunny slopes my bitch, it dawned on me that there is a 99% chance that I am going to seriously injure myself…like a full blown, total body cast, movie type of injury.  I mean, the last time I was seriously shredding a snow-covered hill (more like a concrete behemoth), I ended up wrapping my body around the base of a rather sturdy metal mailbox while sledding down Thrill Hill…roughly 15 years ago.  How can I possibly pick this kind of thing up?  Lets think about what my body type is suited for and see if it can translate to snowboarding:

– Tackling people, lifting heavy objects, chopping wood, participating in eating contests, imitating The King of Queens’ Kevin James, making old wooden floors creaky, keeping warm without extra layers of clothing, playing a mall Santa and making the biggest splash in the pool.

Ya, not exactly what you would picture as the “ideal” snowboarder.  One advantage I have over my leaner peers, however, is extra cushion to make falling a little less painful.  Don’t get me wrong.  I’m absolutely pumped about this trip…I just can’t seem to stop thinking about the following things:

  • Falling while exiting the lift and have it knock me unconscious in the process
  • Annihilating a small child enjoying his/her first family ski trip
  • Losing control and fall down the hill faster than Chris Farley in Black Sheep
  • Grizzly Bears
  • Having to switch to skis and then getting made of fun because it’s just like rollerblading
  • Tearing both ACLs and having to ride an inner tube the rest of the trip

Maybe I’m just being a little cynical about this whole thing.  I’ll most likely be fine and I’m sure I’ll pick it up at some point during the trip.  Just psyching myself up for what should be an incredible weekend…and hoping I don’t do too much of this:

Who's the bitch now?

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