The Wonders of Fall

Summer is over.  The days of drinking from coconuts, working on your base tan and going anywhere shirtless are at an end.  This doesn’t mean that you should be discouraged, however.  Fall is in full force and has much more to offer than meets the eye.  Yes, football season and, in turn, tailgating is upon us, but you can go almost anywhere to read about that.  I prefer to dig a little deeper.  Here are a few reasons why Fall does not suck.

1.  Flannel shirts – When I wear flannel shirts, I feel Paul Bunyan as f#$k.  My chest hair is more voluminous and my beard resembles that of Al Borland.  The genius who invented this staple of manhood should be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, not only for making me look like the President and CEO of Brawny Paper Towels, Inc, but for keeping me warm in the harsh Atlantan winters.  Seriously, give me an axe right now so that I can chop the shit out of something.

2. Oktoberfest, Deliverance style – Not the one you find in one of the greatest cities on Earth, Munich, Germany, but the lesser known, hillbilly version located in Helen, Georgia.  Here, you can drink pitchers of your favorite foreign brews while witnessing the human race stuck in reverse.  This town is known for its lone Huddle House and a museum devoted entirely to black bears.  While that fact alone warrants a trip, beginning in late September and continuing through November 1st the longest running Oktoberfest in the U.S. brings inebriated joy to thousands.  If you don’t know Helen, imagine a picturesque German city.  Now, imagine that the mayor of that city is this guy.

Redneck
I gotta work some shit out...better crack open another one

3. Hollister jeans are back, and you get to laugh at all who wear them – They can’t sell their trademark cargo shorts until at least May.  During the colder months of the year, they are reduced to selling pieces of denim patched together that they like to call jeans.  I honestly think that they make your standard pair of jeans, toss them in a cage with a pissed off badger and let him tear that shit up.  Then they sell them to you.  Brilliant.

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Wooing the ladies, one rip at a time

Have you ever been in a Hollister store?  I haven’t, but I pass one periodically at Lenox.  I imagine that it is like going to a party where everyone is jamming out to the latest All-American Rejects album and funneling Mikes Hard Lemonade, yet everyone there looks eerily similar to Zac Efron.  I feel generally creeped out, not because I’m obviously the only one there with a five o’clock shadow and that resembles Paul Blart: Mall Cop, but because I can’t understand why the place smells like someone set off a Davidoff Cool Water grenade.

4. Sweatpants are back  – I’m talking about the $5 pair you got in 3 different colors at Wal-Mart.  They have elastic around the ankles, are roughly 5 years old and make you feel like an absolute winner.  They don’t have a logo of any kind, like that pair you picked up at the GAP outlet that is “so super soft”, because when you wear these off brand marvels you make everyone around you believe they are Dolce & Gabbana.  People see you as a confident, maybe even a little cocky, because you know for a fact that in your sweatpants, you are better than them.   

5. The temperature is ideal – I can wear jeans out and not sweat like John Belushi on a 3-day bender.  I don’t have to come up with a witty excuse to explain to people why I am so f-ing sweaty.  Awesome.  Lighting stuff on fire is encouraged and I can wear the same pair of jeans 2 weeks at a time.  My boots come out of the closet and make me a dashing 6’1″.  Throw a flannel shirt into the equation and I can instantly throw a football a quarter mile. 

And finally,

6. Thanksgiving – The one day out of the year where gluttony is encouraged and loosening your pants a button or two is acceptible behavior.  Its the one day out of the year where we weigh ourselves before and after dinner, and the only day where being at least mildly overweight isn’t unseemly…its an advantage.

So go forth.  Embrace this Fall season and take full advantage of it.  Don’t let it take advantage of you…thats gross.

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