Bizarro Dracula

Since we are on the subject of Halloween, and I just saw 5 different commercials advertising it, I think that its time I let you all in on a little secret…

The current phenomenon of douchey vampires is absolutely ri-di-cu-lous.

For those of you who have read the “About Me”, you probably have already surmised as much…but I feel like I need to elaborate.  How many of you once thought that vampires were straight out of the darkest shadows of Hades…oh, everyone?  That’s what I thought.  I bet that some of you are as peeved as I am that these uber-sensitive Hollywood mushies have turned what used to be a legitimate member of the villain community into nothing more than pillow-fighting softie who would rather listen to your feelings than take a bite out of your jugular.

Edward-Bella-Screenshot-twilight-series-1374149-446-299
"Suck your blood? Heck no, I just want to cuddle"

Also, when did vampires become so damn emo.  What with their super v-neck tees and their skinny jeans…Count Dracula would eat these phonies for lunch.  I bet you won’t see the Twilight guys visiting Transylvania anytime soon.  They are most likely sitting in your neighborhood Starbucks enjoying a pumpkin spice latte.

Barista: “Oh, you want soy milk with that?”

Emo-vamp: “Yes please, regular milk makes my tummy hurt.”

With Count Dracula, your fear of him was two-fold.  There’s always the chance that you could eventually be turned into a vampire yourself, which these days means listening to depressing music and hating on the “establishment”.  On the other hand, if he were to transform into a bat, he would bite the sh*t out of you and ultimately force you to take a visit to the local doc for a round of rabies shots.  Once there, the doctor will tell you that you aren’t up to date on your Tetanus and Hepatitis shots and you’re due for your yearly colonoscopy.  Oh, also, you have high cholesterol and your blood pressure is through the roof.  Next thing you know, you’re $500 dollars deep in shots and prescriptions and wondering “all this from a bat bite?  Count Dracula takes his job seriously”  Ya, Dracula goes 100% all the time.

So, next time that you get excited about the upcoming “New Moon Saga” or John C. Reilly’s future vampire blockbuster, turn on the t.v., flip it over to PBS and check out a vampire who is true to the game.

countvoncount
Play on, playa
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One Reply to “Bizarro Dracula”

  1. I think you went on a bit of a rant with the docotors office situatiion but seriously Twilight is garbage and the acting just drives that spike in deeper. You also have forgotten about count chocula who could easily take out emo cuddler vampire boy any day.

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