Adventures in Blogfoolery

If you have never seen Jimmy Kimmel’s “This Week in Unnecessary Censorship” then you’re missing out.  Here is a “best of” clip from a while back.  Enjoy.

Considering all the options, I’d say the velociraptor would at least be in my top 2.  It’s hunting prowess would ensure delicious cuts of meat at every meal.

So WordPress decided to discontinue the blog theme that I had currently been using, so I have had to change it to what it is now.  If you haven’t noticed, I like to change the theme around a lot as new options become available in a search to find the perfect one.  In all honesty, it will most likely change again in the near future.  Stay tuned.

Creed totally shreds.  I honestly think I would buy their albums if they all contained this kind of jumbled murmuring.  I do have to thank the band, and Scott Stapp in particular, for providing the background for such an amazing dub over of what was probably a mediocre, if not horrendous, “performance”.  The funniest thing about this video is that I honestly thought it was Creed at first.  They are that bad.  Enjoy.

So, I’m sure all 10 of you who frequent this blog on a regular basis are wondering just where in the hell I have been.  Its been a hot minute since I’ve posted anything on my blog but I assure you that I won’t let it go this long without some form of update going forward.  Let me fill you in on the happenings of roughly the last month or so.

As you could surmise from my previous post, Kerry and I spent most of the months of March and April training for a 6-hour indoor cycling event.  Well, that event took place this past Saturday and it was a DOOZIE.  I’ll tell you one thing…if you have never spent 6 hours on a bike I would urge you to never do so (unless its for a good cause).  Its Wednesday and I’m still feeling the effects of spending every minute of the 6 hour ride on my bike.  Luckily, after the 4th hour my backside was effectively numb and I was able to focus on more pressing matters like why I was the only one in the entire room (200 people strong) that was sweating profusely.  I’ve always been a sweatier person than most but I’m sure that most of the group, comprised mainly of women, were offended in one way or another.  Note to self : Dry-Fit shirts, while entirely useful, only magnify what most would consider some kind of sweating condition.  All in all, the ride was a huge success and Team Bro Namath were representing like the champions they are.  The Atlanta group alone raised in excess of $150,000 which, combined with the other 4 events around the country, totaled more than $200,000 to be donated to organizations doing their damndest to create a more reliable early-detection test for Ovarian Cancer.

Also news in the James household is that Kerry and I will be closing on our first home today.  This has been a long time coming and we couldn’t be more excited.  While I’m extremely happy to moving into a home that is mine I am also relieved to be moving out of the Buckhead House-of-Terror a.k.a. Phipps Place apartments.  Its an amazing thing that such a high-end apartment complex, that charges above-average rent for even 1 bedroom apartments, can be so inept when it comes to keeping their tenants happy and safe.  I say this because just this past Monday my highly-secure Chevy truck was broken into for the 3rd time since we moved in last June.  This perplexes me.  On one hand, I’m pretty sure that with the amount of money being thrown around at this place our management office can hire some form of security to can provide a last line of defense against the “criminal masterminds” who seem to have transformed simple larceny into a freaking science.  On the other hand, I can’t for the life of me figure out why these crooks have chosen to target what is most likely the crappiest car in the entire parking deck.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my truck and can’t see myself ever parting ways with it, but if you could see the cars that co-habitate with mine you would be amazed.  At my apartment, BMWs, Lexus’, Mercedes, Range Rovers and Jagyouars are the norm.  I should be taking this as a compliment but the credit card balance I have racked up repairing my broken windows and door handles won’t let me.  The only solace I get from all of this is that I know that somewhere in Atlanta, this group of miscrients is most likely jamming out to some great music on one of the 2 iPods I have had taken from me.  In summary, DO NOT LIVE AT PHIPPS PLACE.  Tell your friends, your family and anyone else you know who may ever consider this hell hole as a suitable living quarters…your car WILL be broken into. 

Now, the month of May is upon us.  Pool season is here and its time to get in shape for it.  Kerry and I, accompanied by two athletic specimens, will undertake a new workout regime, Crossfit, beginning May 17th.  I wish that they had spectator bleachers at this gym because watching the four of us struggle through one of the toughest workouts around is sure to be quite a show.  I’ve learned a lot about Crossfit through extensive research and it is sure to be a killer.  I’ll be sure to keep you all updated on our ”progress” through the first 2 weeks of the workout.

Going forward, I’ll do my best to keep the blog updated so that I can fill your day with joy and amusement.  Check back often for more humorous postings as well as frequent updates on the day-to-day happening of the James’.

My training has officially begun. 

 ”What training?”, you may ask.  Well, unless you’ve been in the Galapagos Islands studying the mating rituals of the Waved Albatross, then you have most likely seen some form of trying-to-be-humorous email/facebook post from me asking you to donate to Ovarian Cycle.  This charity is devoted to supporting organizations focused on finding a more reliable early-detection test for Ovarian Cancer.  While fundraising, Kerry and I, along with our team, “Bro Namath”, will be mentally and physically preparing ourselves for a 6-hour, 100-mile indoor cycling event known as the “Ride to Change the Future”. 

If you are anything like my too-cool-for-school-I-snowboard-every-weekend-and-you-don’t brother, you’re probably thinking to yourself, “That doesn’t sound so hard.  All you have to do is sit there and pedal for 6 hours.  I board at high altitudes all the time.  I bet I could spin for 6 hours right now”.  You know what, you may be right, but let me tell you that if you have never taken a spinning class then you may have a skewed vision of exactly what it entails…and you haven’t met Darryl.

To say that Darryl is an “imposing” man would be a serious understatement.  Imagine walking into your first real spin class and Terry Tate – Office Linebacker walks in.  He’s wearing a sleeveless shirt, probably because most shirt sleeves don’t have the circumference to support something the size of a basketball.  I’m thinking to myself that this guy has literally reached his peak muscle gain and is looking to take off the rest of what little fat is left on him.  Wrong.  Once he finishes lacing up his size 14 cycling shoes, he assumes his position at the front of the class and readies his iPod.  “IS EVERYBODY READY?”, he yells.  A few muffled “yes’s” arise from the back of the room.  I can’t say much because I’m wondering to myself how one man can make a regular-sized spin bike look like your little brother’s tricycle.  He screams, “Alright, LETS DO IT!” and we’re off. 

To clarify, these spinning bikes resemble actual road bikes and are almost nothing like the stationary bike you would typically find in your average gym.  The resistance of the bike is controlled by a dial.  Turn it all the way to the left and you’re cruising…turn it all the way to the right and its like trying to pedal with an elephant in tow.  Darryl tells us that he will tell us when he wants us to turn up the intensity.  He will yell, from time to time, to give the dial a quarter turn, half turn or full turn, thereby increasing the resistance.  You get the point.  So we’re spinning…warming up I assume.  We do some moderate sprints while swtiching between sitting and standing positions.  Then things start getting serious.

I can’t remember what song was playing.  Darryl’s playlist consisted of hardcore rap and some serious techno.  Either way, it was absolutely BLARING, but seemed more like background music when Darryl was voicing his commands.  “ALRIGHT, WE’RE GONNA DO A 3-MINUTE CLIMB HERE…WE’RE AT THE BOTTOM OF THE HILL AND WE’RE GONNA SPRINT OUR WAY TO THE TOP.  LET’S DO THIS!”.  Coincidentally, a new song starts to play and we start to sprint.  Ten seconds into the sprint, “GIVE ME A QUARTER TURN!”.  “I can handle this”, I say to myself.  Thirty seconds later, “ANOTHER QUARTER TURN”.  Now its getting a little more difficult but still manageable.  Thirty seconds later, “ALRIGHT, GIVE ME A HALF TURN!”.  We’re roughly a minute into the spin and I’m already starting to struggle, my legs burning.  Another 30 seconds pass, “ANOTHER QUARTER TURN!”.  Its apparent that the most of the class is starting to feel the burn as well at this point.  After we pass the 2-minute mark, Darryl yells one last time, “LETS TURN IT UP, GIVE…ME…A…FULLLLLL…TURRRRNNNNN!!!!”.  This class has just gotten dead serious.  We’ve got roughly a minute left of this sprint and we’re at full resistance.  This feeling reminds me of when you get stuck in the mud and each step you take, the mud tries to suck your leg back into the murky depths.  I’m cycling as hard as I can mainly because I’m near the front of the class and Darryl has a look in his eye like he’s picking out the weak ones and plans on crushing their skulls like a pre-teen zit.  I feel like my legs are moving about as slow as the second hand on the clock and all the while Darryl is still pedaling at 100 miles per hour.  This guy needs a super bike.  “TWENTY SECONDS LEFT….TEN SECONDS….FIIIIIVE SEEECOOONDS……and, rest”.  Wow.  The sprint is done.  I sit back on my seat and put my hands on top of my head, gasping for air.  It feels like we’ve been at it for half an hour already.  I look at the clock…we’re only 10 minutes in.  I wonder to myself how I’m going to make it through a full hour of this.  The rest of the class passes in much the same fashion as the uphill sprint I just described, but we make it through.  The class ends and Darryl heads out the door, on his way to knock out a few sets of 700lb squats before he calls it a day, I assume.  I check the ceiling for a water leak because I notice that my shirt is sopping wet.  I reflect on the hour that just passed and realize that I’m hooked.  I’ve got a deep burn encompassing all of the muscles of my lower body and I have to wobble out the door, but I’m already excited about the next class.  I know that I’ve got another 6 weeks of this but I welcome the challenge.  My desire to complete the full 6 hours of the “Ride to Change the Future” is helping me to push my limits and establish some new ones. 

I’ll be posting more about Kerry and I’s training regimen as the weeks progress.  If you like what you read, please help us meet our fundraising goals.  If you don’t, donate anyway.  We need your support and I’ll most likely guilt you into donating anyway.  Our fundraising pages are below.  Thanks in advance everyone.

Ryan – http://www.ovariancycle.org/getinv/showPart.php?partID=1213

Kerry – http://www.ovariancycle.org/getinv/showPart.php?partID=1214

There are just some talents in the world that I wish I had.  I wish I had the skills to throw some paint on a blank canvas and pop out some serious artwork.  This makes me think that I could have learned a lot more while fingerpainting in my earlier years.  Enjoy.

This video is proof to me that we, as Americans, have it pretty freakin good.  We are blessed with the musical stylings of Kings of Leon, My Morning Jacket, Jay-Z and the like while the citizens of good ol’ mother Russia have the distinct “pleasure” of listening to Edward Khil.  Don’t get me wrong.  I love sub-zero temperatures and communism, but I find it hard to believe that anyone can take this guy seriously.  Kinda makes me think that one of the mannequins got sick of the turtlenecks and cargo shorts at Old Navy and defected, was subsequently brainwashed and taught to sing like Robert Goulet.  I mean, this guy seriously creeps me out.  My guess is that talking to this guy would be like trying to have a sustained conversation with a singing Frankenstein.  So next time you are hating on the Black Eyed Peas and Rascal Flatts (as I often do), remember that it could be a whole hell of a lot worse.

Oh, and my favorite part comes in at the 1:53 mark.  I think he’s laughing at us for being mortal.  “Ha ha, silly humans”.

Check out this site I came across recently.  Abundant hipsters.

www.latfh.com

"I'll take swords for 600 if you please"

If you haven’t yet, check out the self-titled debut album from Miike Snow. If you like good music then you will like this.  If you don’t like this, you probably eat boogers.